What just happened?
The last few weeks have been a complete mindfuck.
On Dec. 7th we implanted our “perfect” embryo. Dec. 18 we found out we were pregnant. We almost couldn’t believe it, but at the same time I also just knew it….because I knew it would work. I knew my body would know what to do. We were so happy - we cried happy tears, hugged Ruby and Rebeca so hard, I ate a whole pizza to celebrate, Edward immediately started looking at bigger houses. I mean we started planning our life as a family of 4. Everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. Just as I had been hoping for, and meditating for, and visualizing, and feeling, and believing in.
Then on Dec. 20 I had another blood test and we found out that my HCG levels were decreasing. This isn’t good - it means that the baby/placenta is not growing and that we would miscarry. I mean seriously what? We were completely shocked. Like 1000% shocked. Like “What the fuck just happened shocked”? Honestly I kind of had written off the 2nd blood test because we had this genetically tested “perfect” embryo. I remember being nervous for this blood test with Ruby but this time I just felt like it was a formality. But we quickly learned that this was not the case - because really anything can happen. Our doctor explained that the genetic testing checks that the embryo has the correct number of chromosomes but they still can’t detect everything . Even after implanting, when the embryos start growing, if they don’t have everything they need or something just isn’t right, well then you know your embryo isn’t “genetically perfect” and you’re going to miscarry. And ultimately you just can’t explain nature….
Ugh. It’s been 3 weeks since we got that call and I’m still shocked. And I feel stupid and mad at myself that I didn’t prepare myself better. I prepared for not implanting but not miscarrying. Why didn’t anyone tell me this could happen? Or did they and I just didn’t listen? More importantly why didn’t I realize that literally anything can happen? I mean I knew that miscarriages happen often. But I just didn’t think it would happen to us, this time, with this “supposedly perfect” embryo. I honestly thought the genetically tested embryo was the golden ticket. In my head I literally thought it was the same test you get when you’re 10 weeks pregnant - like when you’re in the clear. How did I not know better? The reality is, I probably did know this but when you go all in, like I did, you have all the faith and hope you are capable of and you just let yourself believe. Sigh. I’m crying as I write this. One minute I’m ok and the next I’m not. And I just think that is how it’s going to be for a while…. And it’s so frustrating because part of me wants to process and feel all my feelings and another part of me just wants to feel better and move on….but I can’t.
I’ve had so many different emotions the last few weeks.
Sadness because this little boy with the green eyes (per the psychic I went to who saw him and said he was coming….without me even mentioning IVF) is not on his way.
Devastation because our hopes of having another kid have been shattered.
I’m mad at myself for even trying all this. Like I’m 44. What was I thinking? Why did I even go for it? If I hadn’t, I would never know this pain and could be living my happy life.
Feeling foolish for going all in and completely surrendering to the belief that I have the ability to manifest what I want and that the Universe would listen and has my back.
Wishing I could just go back to when I didn’t even want another child. But I’m a different person now because I believed and there is no going back….
Mad at myself for not being able to just be happy with my beautiful gifts - my health, Edward, Ruby, my friends, love.
Scared and frustrated because I don’t know how to move forward with my life. I feel so lost. And I don’t trust anything anymore. I don’t know what to believe in.
Angry that this happened to us. Like why? We are good people. We don’t deserve this.
Angry and frustrated because I feel like I can’t do anything right. I’m totally feeling like a failure….even though my body did know what to do.
Angry at the Universe because it totally does NOT have my back. And then that makes me scared because I feel like all bad things are going to happen. And then this gives me anxiety in general. Or maybe I just feel that this whole notion of the Universe listening isn’t true….I don’t know. Maybe I’m just confused.
That’s a lot going on in my head. And it’s overwhelming. And it just sucks. We are both so much better than even a week ago but it comes and goes. I keep wanting to get over it because being here in this place is hard. I keep saying I just need a “win” or something “good” needs to happen so I can be happy but really I just need to be patient as I “go through this”….whatever that means. Edward told me to take 1 day at a time and that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. And so I decided that my immediate priorities are to get a trainer so I can get stronger both physically and mentally. And get a therapist because I need to process. And do SoulCycle. And spend as much time as possible with Ruby and Edward. And get out of the house more. And see my friends. And be nice to myself.
I know I’ll be ok. I mean I have to be. I just wish I knew how this would all turn out. But I guess that’s where the patience comes in….and faith….and hope….all the things I’m struggling with right now. :(