Stuck in the Middle
It’s been almost 2 months since we miscarried. I’m doing a ton better. But still not great. On the surface, I’m ok but if I dig deeper I’m not really. I still cry almost daily. I have full on conversations with myself about what I should be doing or what I want to do….and then I change my mind. I just still feel really lost and confused. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever know what to do or how to do it.
Everyone keeps telling me to be patient and that I shouldn’t put a timeline on processing and moving forward. I totally get it. I’m trying to just let myself “Be”. But it’s super hard. To be honest, I’m not even sure what that means exactly. Because I think I’m doing it. I mean I’m doing all the things I love and make me feel happy. I got a trainer - I’m working out almost everyday, I’m spending loads of time with Ruby and Edward, I’m having lots of girlfriend dates. I’m also working on myself - like a lot….with therapy and books. I feel like it all makes me feel better….but somewhat temporarily. Logically I’m better and I can see things from a different perspective. But then my emotions and thoughts kick in and I’m reminded that I’m not quite better….
I just feel stuck. It’s like I’m out of the really really dark place where all I felt was sadness, grief, and anger but I’m also not ready to move forward with life because I just don’t know what my path(s) look like. But I also really want to move forward with my life because I desperately need to focus on something - a job search, a baby, a ????, I have no idea….but I don’t want to go for anything because I can’t handle any disappointment. And so I’m stuck in the middle. And it sucks.
I’m trying so hard to be in the present and not worry about the future but it is insanely difficult. I want to know that I will be better. I also want to know that I will recognize when I’m better (I don’t trust myself yet). I want to know when I’ll be better. I want to know that I will be capable of making a decision on my next steps (I’m so all over the place right now it seems impossible). I just want to DO something. I want to make a plan.
But then I remind myself for the 20th time today to be patient. That I guess I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. And to have faith that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and to have trust in myself.