Work it Mama
I haven't posted in awhile. There are a few reasons why actually. I got busy with life - interviewing for new jobs, travel, I had stuff going on that I wasn't ready to share, and then eventually it just stopped being a part of my routine. Yesterday Edward told me he missed my blog posts and when I told him all the reasons why I hadn't published anything he said well write about that. More specifically I was telling him that the stuff I've been going through lately I couldn't make public because I'm job searching and it might cause employers to look at me differently. And then I thought about that....and it just pissed me off.
I haven't had a full time, traditional job since last September. I've taken on consulting projects but not anything permanent. I never intended on this but we decided to go for another baby and so January - March I was busy with the first part of IVF (getting my eggs). We haven't done the 2nd part of IVF yet (transferring the embryo) because I needed a break mentally and physically. So after we got the eggs, I took a little bit of time to recover and then started my job search in April. And I went full force. I got my resume to 1 page, had coffees, lunches, dinners with my network, went to "networking" events, spent hours on LinkedIn, got better at my personal pitch, and interviewed my ass off. It's been 5 months and I'm still trying to find the right thing. I'm being picky this time around so I knew it would take longer but I'm getting anxious and frustrated. Especially as I reach that 1 year mark of not working full-time. I told myself that I HAD to be working by September so I didn't have a year gap in employment. And I HAD to get a job before I got pregnant because then nobody would hire me (even though people say that’s not true because it's illegal). AND then my gap in employment would be 2 years which is like Employment suicide (at least in my head). I mean WTF - the stress I’ve been putting on myself in addition to just finding a job is insane.
But the thing that bothers me the most is that everything I've been doing in the last year doesn't "Count" as something I can say to an employer. That it somehow makes me undesirable because 1. I haven’t been working “enough” in the traditional full-time sense and 2. I won’t be able to work “enough” because I’ll be pregnant and will take maternity leave. I mean….ugh.
Just for fun let's discuss some details of what my last year looked like:
September - December: Reclaiming my post Whalerock independence, taking care of myself, spending time with Ruby, and deciding on whether I wanted another baby
January - March: Injecting myself with hormones to produce as many eggs as possible, spending time with my family, and consulting a bit
April - Now: Recovering from the IVF hormones, trying to create another human, helping Ruby grow into a little person, traveling with my family, job searching my ass off, and consulting a bit
I mean I feel like I’ve been busy! I’ve been living my life, and growing my family, and still trying to work AND looking for work. But the only things I can actually say in an interview is that I've been consulting and job searching. Everything else basically doesn't count, and more importantly could count against me. Which is so FUCKED UP because we talk a lot these days about how things need to change for Women in the workplace but have they really if I have to hide half of my life or worse yet feel guilty about not doing enough? It's kind of a bummer honestly and I know many other Moms going through this.
I don't really know how to make it better except maybe with education and more women in hiring positions. For now, I'm trying really hard to be patient and not putting all these expectations on myself....at least not right now. But it's been hard and I have to force myself to move forward one little step at a time. Sigh. Baby steps.